New Day

Today is a new day.

That is what I tell myself.

A new chance to succeed.

A new chance to learn.

A chance to prove myself.

A chance to grow.

Today is a new day.

Questions

Im sitting here trying to figure out what happened. And how life moves so fast.

Sometimes I just have to stop and try and look at the past few weeks, and I wonder how it all happened so fast.

Sometimes I feel like I try and follow God's will and I try and do what I feel he is leading me to do, but what if I heard wrong, or made the wrong choice. Then what? Am I just stuck in a place until I "feel" like he is moving me somewhere else or into some new experience? I think we can BELIEVE we hear the voice of God, but how do we really know? How do we know if we made the right choice? How much do I get in the way of the decisions I make?

I know I am learning a lot in this new job, and I think that when we are stretched beyond belief and everyday is a new, exciting and scary challenge to meet it has something to do with God's will, but I think every place I find myself in is so completely different than the last one, and I wonder what it means, and if its right. I think sometimes the point of even trying to follow God's leading and God's plan is not necessarily that you end up in a certain place or doing a certain thing, but that you tried. You made God your number one priority and you make the decision based on his leading, his gentle whispers.

I think that whether you are right or not, God will honor the fact that you tried. He will bless you for making him first. But I still struggle.

This place I am in right now is the most challenging, stretching, and difficult place I have ever lived. I have no friends here. I feel so alone, and now that David and I broke up, I feel even more lost. The funny thing is, I feel God more closely in my every day life here then I ever have before. Each day, I have to wake up and realize that today is not going to be about me, about what I want, what I need, how I feel. It has to be all about these young women I am trying to serve. That's where God comes in. I can't do that in my own strength. I can't live a full day without thinking about myself and my desires, and when I say that I realize how sad it really sounds. Every morning I HAVE to ask God to give me unending patience, continuous grace, and unconditional love. It doesn't come easy for me to wake up and my first thoughts to be on God, and these young women he has placed in my life. Everyday is a struggle, and I wonder how long it will last. I am trying so hard, and I feel like I never get anywhere. I don't get closer to the girls, my attitude doesn't change, my outlook on life and ministry is the same.

When does the breakthrough happen? When does the "success" begin? I know its not all about success or breakthrough, but I wouldn't mind if I had at least a small glimpse of it. I wouldn't mind seeing a difference, or accomplishing something wonderful. I guess its all about trust and patience at this point, but I am sort of lacking in those areas. This just means that even more, every single day, every moment, I have to call upon his name. All I pray is that God will use me, and God will teach me whatever it is he wants me to learn.

I am open and ready for Him to use me as he pleases. I just selfishly hope that the rest of my time here does not stay how it is right now.

This song has really been the cry of my heart lately:

Call Upon His Name by Darlene Zschech

Not to us oh God
But to Your name all glory
We give thanks and praise
To You alone forever
Praise Him all the earth
All creation bows to You
Nations stand in awe
He is the king of glory

To you oh Lord
You reign in Heaven and on the earth
To You alone
As the Earth is filled with knowledge
Of the Lord

Call upon His name
The orphans and the widows
He'll lift You up again
And shower You with mercy
Bless You all my soul
Robed with strength and majesty
The Lion and the Lamb
Togethercome and worship
To You oh Lord
You reign in heaven and on earth
To You alone
As the Earth is filled with Your wonder

To you oh Lord
You reign in Heaven and on the earth
To You alone
As the Earth is filled with knowledge
Of the Lord

All to You
Both now and evermore
Come and drink again
Be filled with living water
Call upon His name
He is the King of glory