Shriveled Heart

So a friend of mine wrote this poem, and for some reason today it really goes with a lot of the conversations/thoughts I have had throughout the day so I thought I would post:

SHRIVELED HEART
dreams, made unattainable.
listen when they say goals need to be measurable.
but you can't gauge love,
it is immeasurable.

all other facets of life seem
within grasp, i can always succeed
when a passion exists for it,
but why, of all things,
this phenomena above all others,
i cannot grasp.


By Alyssa Koehler

Oh Life

So for some reason I always tend to write blogs when momentous events happen in my life. And here I am, writing about this new season of my life, and one that is ending.
I just resigned about a week ago from my position with His Caring Place as an assistant house parent. Its crazy how fast the past 5 months have gone, and all the crazy things I have learned here. I cant help myself but to wonder why God brought me down here, but I am glad he did.
I learned so much about people, ministry, relationships, perseverance, and attitude. I also learned invaluable lessons on God's mercy, grace and faithfulness. I am blown away by how God will provide and how he will be faithful to us in every season and through every struggle.
Here I am, 2 weeks before Christmas and back in the job hunt. Quite honestly, I am kind of excited about it because I know God will provide the right place in the right time...all I have to do is my part. However, being in the "job hunt" phase of life seems to be a quite frequent place for me over the past few years. I think God just enjoys the opportunity to teach me some very powerful lessons when my job is to fully rely on him for provision. He has provided thus far, and I have no doubt He will continue to do so.
Today is my last day at my job, and it has actually been quite wonderful. I feel very encouraged and excited for what God has for me, but I am also not looking forward to the goodbyes and the changes in relationships that I have built and created here. I will miss holding the babies everyday and seeing them grow. I will miss the fun times in the kitchen, and the laughter we shared. Despite my time here being very difficult and extremely challenging/stretching, I did learn to love people in a way that only God can allow a person to love another. The love God has for us is so powerful, and when He gives you that love for another person, its amazing how your attitude and perspective of them can change so drastically, and just how much He enables you to forgive. I am just in awe of my Savior. He has been so good to me.
I guess if I had to leave you with one final comment I would just say that over the past 5 months I have learned of God's love and God's faithfulness. His love and His faithfulness will bring you through any challenge, any struggle, and any trial you may face. You need only to trust Him! What a GREAT God I choose to serve! May He use me in any way He pleases from this day forward. I give Him full control of  my life, to use it for His purposes as He sees fit.

New Day

Today is a new day.

That is what I tell myself.

A new chance to succeed.

A new chance to learn.

A chance to prove myself.

A chance to grow.

Today is a new day.

Questions

Im sitting here trying to figure out what happened. And how life moves so fast.

Sometimes I just have to stop and try and look at the past few weeks, and I wonder how it all happened so fast.

Sometimes I feel like I try and follow God's will and I try and do what I feel he is leading me to do, but what if I heard wrong, or made the wrong choice. Then what? Am I just stuck in a place until I "feel" like he is moving me somewhere else or into some new experience? I think we can BELIEVE we hear the voice of God, but how do we really know? How do we know if we made the right choice? How much do I get in the way of the decisions I make?

I know I am learning a lot in this new job, and I think that when we are stretched beyond belief and everyday is a new, exciting and scary challenge to meet it has something to do with God's will, but I think every place I find myself in is so completely different than the last one, and I wonder what it means, and if its right. I think sometimes the point of even trying to follow God's leading and God's plan is not necessarily that you end up in a certain place or doing a certain thing, but that you tried. You made God your number one priority and you make the decision based on his leading, his gentle whispers.

I think that whether you are right or not, God will honor the fact that you tried. He will bless you for making him first. But I still struggle.

This place I am in right now is the most challenging, stretching, and difficult place I have ever lived. I have no friends here. I feel so alone, and now that David and I broke up, I feel even more lost. The funny thing is, I feel God more closely in my every day life here then I ever have before. Each day, I have to wake up and realize that today is not going to be about me, about what I want, what I need, how I feel. It has to be all about these young women I am trying to serve. That's where God comes in. I can't do that in my own strength. I can't live a full day without thinking about myself and my desires, and when I say that I realize how sad it really sounds. Every morning I HAVE to ask God to give me unending patience, continuous grace, and unconditional love. It doesn't come easy for me to wake up and my first thoughts to be on God, and these young women he has placed in my life. Everyday is a struggle, and I wonder how long it will last. I am trying so hard, and I feel like I never get anywhere. I don't get closer to the girls, my attitude doesn't change, my outlook on life and ministry is the same.

When does the breakthrough happen? When does the "success" begin? I know its not all about success or breakthrough, but I wouldn't mind if I had at least a small glimpse of it. I wouldn't mind seeing a difference, or accomplishing something wonderful. I guess its all about trust and patience at this point, but I am sort of lacking in those areas. This just means that even more, every single day, every moment, I have to call upon his name. All I pray is that God will use me, and God will teach me whatever it is he wants me to learn.

I am open and ready for Him to use me as he pleases. I just selfishly hope that the rest of my time here does not stay how it is right now.

This song has really been the cry of my heart lately:

Call Upon His Name by Darlene Zschech

Not to us oh God
But to Your name all glory
We give thanks and praise
To You alone forever
Praise Him all the earth
All creation bows to You
Nations stand in awe
He is the king of glory

To you oh Lord
You reign in Heaven and on the earth
To You alone
As the Earth is filled with knowledge
Of the Lord

Call upon His name
The orphans and the widows
He'll lift You up again
And shower You with mercy
Bless You all my soul
Robed with strength and majesty
The Lion and the Lamb
Togethercome and worship
To You oh Lord
You reign in heaven and on earth
To You alone
As the Earth is filled with Your wonder

To you oh Lord
You reign in Heaven and on the earth
To You alone
As the Earth is filled with knowledge
Of the Lord

All to You
Both now and evermore
Come and drink again
Be filled with living water
Call upon His name
He is the King of glory

Long Time Coming

Hello friends!
Its been such a long time since I have blogged, I figured it about time I did it again! :) I am hoping to start blogging regularly, especially now that I am in a new position that really fits along with what my goals, dreams, and passions are in life. I dont feel like, by any means, I have "made it" to where/what EXACTLY God has called me to right now, but I know I am close and moving in the right direction. I recently accepted a position within the organization 4 Kids of South Florida called His Caring Place (HCP).

HCP is a faith based organization that houses and helps young women in crisis pregnancy situations. I am working as an RA (Resident Assistant) in a home that house 4 young pregnant women. I moved into the home this past Sunday, so its my first week here, and so far things are going well. I am adjusting well to life in this new home, and life in FL (its so humid and hot here!) My position is set up so that I work every other weekend with the girls, and in that case can get a full or PT job during the week. That is what I working on now. I would appreciate prayers in that department.

I am excited for what God has for me here, it is definitely beggining a new chapter in my life. One that will be full of challenges and difficult times, but I am sure there will also be some really fun, exciting and positive life changing moments, for me and for the girls I am serving. Please keep my new home and new friends in your prayers. If you would like to check out more information about my new job, here is the link to HCP's website: hiscaringplace.org

Another exciting development in my life is that I now have a new boyfriend! His name is David Ellgen. I met him almost 3 months ago through a mutual friend, and we have been talking ever since. We went on a few dates, and then became an official couple on June 14th! I can't believe its already been 1 month. I am really excited about getting to know David more, and about this new man God has brought into my life. He is so wonderful, caring, passionate and he really makes me laugh! :)

I hope you all enjoyed my newest little update, I will be posting again soon! I promise!